BDSM Guidelines for Play

These are a few notes intended primarily for the submissive, who wants to play with a new partner and needs to feel safe. It might also be useful for the dom who wants to give their sub a great time, but would like a few tips.

Let’s say that you have met a new BDSM partner – or someone you hope will be a BDSM partner. If you like to take the submissive role, you want to make sure you will be safe. If you like the dominant role, you want to make sure your new sub knows that they will be safe with you. Here are a few suggestions, which I hope will help you avoid disappointment or disaster…

When meeting a new potential play partner, always meet in a public place, just for a chat. A noisy fetish club doesn’t count – even if you played a little there. You need to communicate properly. Don’t meet in a dingy pub down a dark alley at night. Meet in a quiet and well lit public place, in daytime. (Lunchtime is good, as it gives you a good excuse to leave if you need it.)

Make it clear that you won’t play on first meeting. If you feel you need to be careful, don’t give out your phone number yet. Use an anonymous form of contact, like kik. Otherwise, create a private email address just for this sort of thing.

If you then agree to play at a subsequent meeting, you need a form of contact that is not anonymous. Make sure you have each other’s phone number and email, so you have proper ID.

Subs must have a friend to act as a safe call for the first session at least. Tell the dom this. If they are not OK with it, walk away. Call your friend before you play and tell them the address. Tell them exactly when you will call again after you part company with the dom. If they don’t get your second call, they should alert the police. Never be embarrassed to call the police. If you need to do it, do it.

Before you play, your need to communicate frankly with each other. Sub and dom need to  have a good idea of what is going to work and what isn’t before you start a play session.

Subs please note – your dom is not a mind reader – they need to know what turns you on. So tell them. You might find it easier to do this by email, rather than face-to-face. Be honest and specific. Do you love being spanked? Have you always wanted to try rope bondage? Do you absolutely hate needles? What if the dom suddenly produces some sharp needles while you are restrained?!  Don’t hope your dom will guess these things – always tell them.

Send your dom a few ideas of your own – the sort of thing you would love to do. If it is practical and if your dom also also likes the idea it might happen. It might be fun.

Doms – interrogate the new sub. Get them to tell you freely about the stuff that thrills them – and the stuff that really turns them off. (They might even enjoy being interrogated.)

On the day, don’t worry if you try something and don’t like it much – that’s allowed. Share this with each other. Likewise, if something works really well for you, say so. Your partner will love to hear that.

Always agree and remember your safe words, which might be…

Green = I love this. More please!

Amber = No need to stop, but just take it easy.

Red = STOP!

Always play safe. Use latex gloves, lube, condoms, etc. Clean surfaces before and after a session with anti-bacterial spray or wipes. If you have any medical condition, or just a strong preference, always tell.

Remember that your agreement may well change according to the setting or circumstances. You might have one set of rules for your primary partner and another set for a casual play partner. You might have one set of rules for a discreet private scene and another set for public play at a party. So make sure you both understand any changes before a new scene.

OK, here are some specific questions for the dom to ask, or the sub to tell even if they are not asked …

Do you prefer total privacy, or are you OK to play in a semi-public setting, like a BDSM clubs or party?

What about involvement with other people – do you like your dom to offer you to other doms, or to have you play with other subs? If so, are you bisexual? To what extent?

BDSM does not necessarily mean that you have sex with your partner. Do you want to have sex with them? Or just blow jobs? What about anal sex? Make sure the dom knows this!

Do you like to be led around on a collar and leash?  Naked?

Bondage? Japanese rope bondage? Or leather straps?

Butt plugs, strap-ons, nipple clamps? Blindfolds?

Fucking machine? Sybian?

Electrics, TENS unit – what exactly?

Sub naked, while the dom is fully dressed?

If you are a female sub, do you like to be taken to special BBC clubs and given to selected fit young well hung black guys, while the dom looks on? (Just thought I’d ask…)

Watersports?

What are your fantasies? Some might be great left as fantasies – but others might be suitable to do for real. Tell your dom. It will give them an insight into you. You might find they share some of them. You might even find that they will act some of them out with you.

Staying Safe

I never do drugs, knives, needles, blood or unsafe sex. If your dom suggests any of that and you are not totally OK with it, walk away. If they drink alcohol before or during play, walk away. If rope bondage is involved, make sure that the dom has suitable scissors to hand for quick release if needed. If you just simply feel uncomfortable, walk away. Don’t feel you have to go through with something if it doesn’t feel right. You don’t.

As for breath restriction, inhaling gas, or anything even potentially dangerous, well, some things are best left as a fantasy…

All this might seem a bit boring. Maybe you think taking the spontaneity out of the thing will reduce the fun. Not so. When you know you are in safe hands, you can really let yourself go. If you like it rough, a good dom will be able to play-act convincingly, which will be much more fun than the real thing…

P.S. These tips are purely personal. They are based on decades of experience, but I bet you know something I don’t. Maybe you have a useful suggestion, or you spotted something I should add? If so, please email to tim@kfsmedia.com

Tim Woodward

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I had often liked the idea of dogging. Going along to a dark car park in the woods, having sex with random strangers – there’s something deliciously rude about it.

Once, I even went to a secluded car park near the river in West London that was supposed to be a dogging spot. At least, that’s what I found on the web. I was full of anticipation. It was late at night and pretty dark. A car cruised in slowly and my girlfriend grabbed my arm. “That looks like a couple. What do you think? Is that a couple?” The car parked up. Two elderly gentlemen got out. They had big bags of something with them – what on earth was that? The two fellows went over to the riverbank, set up little chairs and started to fish. They were anglers, not doggers. We went home.

Much later, I was at Richmond BDSM, my local kink meet-up, for drinks at a pub near me. Catriona was amazed that I had never been dogging and offered to take me in hand. It was summertime and quite warm. A few days later, off we went to a car park in Surrey that Catriona knew. This was not new to her…

There were a few other cars already parked, with a couple or two and several single men. Just sitting in their cars, listening to the radio or reading a paper. It all perfectly innocent, unless you knew. I sensed an air of waiting for something hanging in the air.

Briefed by Catriona, I had brought condoms and a dogging blanket. This latter item is sold in hardware stores as a “picnic blanket” and it has a waterproof side that you put down on the ground, with a soft side that goes uppermost. They fold up into a handy roll, with handles, for carrying. Best not to ask for a “dogging blanket” in the shop.

We chatted by our car for a minute, so that Catriona’s miniskirt and my dogging blanket were not lost on the inhabitants of the nearby cars. Then we strolled slowly into the woods, pausing to make sure we were easy to follow. Sure enough, two men decided that was the very moment that they also fancied a stroll.

As soon as we found a fairly secluded spot, we spread our blanket and Catriona made sure that she looked suitably alluring. The two fellows approached, then paused at a polite distance. (I came to learn that this is correct dogging etiquette.)

I gave them a friendly wave and gestured towards Catriona, felling rather like a car salesman pointing out a nice convertible with low mileage, in a fetching shade of blue.

Catriona was enthusiastically“spit roasted” by the two guys, who went at it like two dogs at a particularly juicy bone, pausing only for a few moments after I warned of an elderly lady passing by with her spaniel. As soon as she had gone, play was resumed.

My first dogging trip was an experience and a success. All the same, the obvious downside is that you have absolutely no idea who is going to emerge from the woods. Maybe some nutters, maybe a rapist, some one out of his head on drugs – how do you know? So I left it as a one-off experience. Until, a year or two later, Gary and Emma asked whether I fancied joining them one sunny afternoon.

Now, Gary and Emma are friends, nice people and always up for fun. Emma wanted to try dogging and they needed someone to hold their hand. It would have been churlish to refuse. Off to the woods in Surrey again.

Emma is lovely and had no trouble at all attracting admirers. She entertained three guys in the woods while I kept watch, then paused for a rest before taking on another two. Great fun, although I had the same misgivings about safety.

My fears were amplified soon afterwards, when another couple attracted quite a crowd of random men one dark night. The woman was very obviously having a great time, but was her husband certain that condoms were being used by everyone? How did he know that there would be no trouble? I mean, this was a dark night in the woods. Again, how safe was all this? Hmmm, food for thought…

How to keep the excitement and yet make everything safe? Of course, that’s the very essence of safe, sane and consensual kinky sex. So I came up with a plan.

Safe dogging is when you assemble a crew of anything from three responsible people upwards. They don’t have to be close buddies, but you do need their names, email addresses and phone numbers. You need to trust them, so don’t go with anyone who only uses anonymous apps like kik. Know who they are.

It’s necessary to have couples and women, of course, but do also have a few single guys. The women like that, obviously.  (And there’s safety in numbers.)

Then, plan a scenario that works for the women. If they don’t have a great time, the evening will be a washout. Meet up at a designated time and place. Maybe do role-play. Men in hoods or masks? Bondage, gang bangs? Give the women a chance to fulfil their fantasies in what feels like an exciting situation (but is actually perfectly safe).

Always have at least one person on lookout duty. If someone comes along, a birdcall whistle is ideal to warn everyone discreetly. I use an “Acme” peewit whistle, available online, which works fine.

Don’t forget the condoms, lube and dogging blanket. Make sure everyone knows the limits. What does she like and – more importantly – what does she dislike? Know her limits and make sure everyone else knows. For example, if she doesn’t like it in the tradesman’s entrance, the guys need to know.

My own little group meets at a swinger club in West London, just so everyone knows everyone. Then, later that evening, everyone who feels inclined heads off to a secret location. If anyone wants to bail out, that’s fine. We call it “safe dogging” and it’s all the fun without the risk.  You know it makes sense.

For more information on my events, email to –

chardmoresociety@icloud.com

P.S.

I love this hilarious song about dogging…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXzaVOk_Ydk

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