BDSM Guidelines for Play
These are a few notes intended primarily for the submissive, who wants to play with a new partner and needs to feel safe. It might also be useful for the dom who wants to give their sub a great time, but would like a few tips.
Let’s say that you have met a new BDSM partner – or someone you hope will be a BDSM partner. If you like to take the submissive role, you want to make sure you will be safe. If you like the dominant role, you want to make sure your new sub knows that they will be safe with you. Here are a few suggestions, which I hope will help you avoid disappointment or disaster…
When meeting a new potential play partner, always meet in a public place, just for a chat. A noisy fetish club doesn’t count – even if you played a little there. You need to communicate properly. Don’t meet in a dingy pub down a dark alley at night. Meet in a quiet and well lit public place, in daytime. (Lunchtime is good, as it gives you a good excuse to leave if you need it.)
Make it clear that you won’t play on first meeting. If you feel you need to be careful, don’t give out your phone number yet. Use an anonymous form of contact, like kik. Otherwise, create a private email address just for this sort of thing.
If you then agree to play at a subsequent meeting, you need a form of contact that is not anonymous. Make sure you have each other’s phone number and email, so you have proper ID.
Subs must have a friend to act as a safe call for the first session at least. Tell the dom this. If they are not OK with it, walk away. Call your friend before you play and tell them the address. Tell them exactly when you will call again after you part company with the dom. If they don’t get your second call, they should alert the police. Never be embarrassed to call the police. If you need to do it, do it.
Before you play, your need to communicate frankly with each other. Sub and dom need to have a good idea of what is going to work and what isn’t before you start a play session.
Subs please note – your dom is not a mind reader – they need to know what turns you on. So tell them. You might find it easier to do this by email, rather than face-to-face. Be honest and specific. Do you love being spanked? Have you always wanted to try rope bondage? Do you absolutely hate needles? What if the dom suddenly produces some sharp needles while you are restrained?! Don’t hope your dom will guess these things – always tell them.
Send your dom a few ideas of your own – the sort of thing you would love to do. If it is practical and if your dom also also likes the idea it might happen. It might be fun.
Doms – interrogate the new sub. Get them to tell you freely about the stuff that thrills them – and the stuff that really turns them off. (They might even enjoy being interrogated.)
On the day, don’t worry if you try something and don’t like it much – that’s allowed. Share this with each other. Likewise, if something works really well for you, say so. Your partner will love to hear that.
Always agree and remember your safe words, which might be…
Green = I love this. More please!
Amber = No need to stop, but just take it easy.
Red = STOP!
Always play safe. Use latex gloves, lube, condoms, etc. Clean surfaces before and after a session with anti-bacterial spray or wipes. If you have any medical condition, or just a strong preference, always tell.
Remember that your agreement may well change according to the setting or circumstances. You might have one set of rules for your primary partner and another set for a casual play partner. You might have one set of rules for a discreet private scene and another set for public play at a party. So make sure you both understand any changes before a new scene.
OK, here are some specific questions for the dom to ask, or the sub to tell even if they are not asked …
Do you prefer total privacy, or are you OK to play in a semi-public setting, like a BDSM clubs or party?
What about involvement with other people – do you like your dom to offer you to other doms, or to have you play with other subs? If so, are you bisexual? To what extent?
BDSM does not necessarily mean that you have sex with your partner. Do you want to have sex with them? Or just blow jobs? What about anal sex? Make sure the dom knows this!
Do you like to be led around on a collar and leash? Naked?
Bondage? Japanese rope bondage? Or leather straps?
Butt plugs, strap-ons, nipple clamps? Blindfolds?
Fucking machine? Sybian?
Electrics, TENS unit – what exactly?
Sub naked, while the dom is fully dressed?
If you are a female sub, do you like to be taken to special BBC clubs and given to selected fit young well hung black guys, while the dom looks on? (Just thought I’d ask…)
What are your fantasies? Some might be great left as fantasies – but others might be suitable to do for real. Tell your dom. It will give them an insight into you. You might find they share some of them. You might even find that they will act some of them out with you.
I never do drugs, knives, needles, blood or unsafe sex. If your dom suggests any of that and you are not totally OK with it, walk away. If they drink alcohol before or during play, walk away. If rope bondage is involved, make sure that the dom has suitable scissors to hand for quick release if needed. If you just simply feel uncomfortable, walk away. Don’t feel you have to go through with something if it doesn’t feel right. You don’t.
As for breath restriction, inhaling gas, or anything even potentially dangerous, well, some things are best left as a fantasy…
All this might seem a bit boring. Maybe you think taking the spontaneity out of the thing will reduce the fun. Not so. When you know you are in safe hands, you can really let yourself go. If you like it rough, a good dom will be able to play-act convincingly, which will be much more fun than the real thing…
P.S. These tips are purely personal. They are based on decades of experience, but I bet you know something I don’t. Maybe you have a useful suggestion, or you spotted something I should add? If so, please email to firstname.lastname@example.org